Well tomorrow’s the big start of the pleine air group I made up. I hope more then me and a friend show up. I’m rather excited. I’ve been gathering materials and thinking about what I need. I’m going to watercolor, I don’t have oil paints right now. I’ll post pictures later. I hope it goes well. I’m nervous about running the critique. I’ve done it a million times with jr. high school kids, adults never.
I hope my painting isn’t a total failure too. I’m taking medicine that makes my hands shake. I started taking magnesium to help. It works, but I’m not sure if it’s good enough. I don’t want to fail. I quit watercolor because of it. Maybe it’s my new hip style.
I started a new medicine hopefully it will replace the make me fat depakote and stop the hands shakes too. So far I feel better over all. Less days feeling sad and lonely. At first the Triliptal made me have restless sleep. I was so afraid I would go into a manic episode. So far no, just a bit more up and energetic. A little bit more like my previous self.
I live in a void of culture. I find myself looking for artists growth with other artists. When I have tried to become part of the local art center I found myself snubbed. I was going to forge ahead and keep going to activities. I soon found everything was scheduled on days I couldn’t make it.
Finally, I saw a web site for a pleine air painting group in Chicago. It was free and and weekly. Anyone could join. I couldn’t move to Chicago and I couldn’t stand this void any more. I started a local Pleine Air Group. I couldn’t do weekly, I can do bi weekly. And so it’s scheduled, May 31st 9-12. I’ve heard a lot of interest with people who can’t make. Hopefully it won’t just be me. But either way, I’ll be there painting in pleine air.
I have been through another dark time. It’s been very difficult to keep going. I kept reminding myself I needed to be here for my children. I am happy to say I am feeling better again. I am working on setting small goals. Keeping from letting the things out of my control come to my mind.
I have been reading a great book called The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. It has been inspirational. I’m going to trying three things coming up… No complaining, no gossip, and staying positive.
I am also not worrying about a super structured schedule. I do better with goals/lists rather then time pressure. When I don’t stay on schedule I get over whelmed and end up more depressed and more behind.
What do you do to keep from feeling overwhelmed?
Are you focusing on a goal?
Monday – migraine still had to go to work
Tuesday – car broke down still made it to work
Wednesday – 4 yr old sick had to go to work
Thursday – -25 wind-chills, no school going to work
I get stressed and it seems the universe knows and piles more on. I just want a little break and instead I get a little more shit. Plus my estranged husband is on over drive to get us back together. He never did listen to me about my bi-polar moods. He thinks it’s a compliment that everytime I deal with him it makes my moods go haywire. He also said its not his fault I care what he thinks….. Ok. It’s that he never listens to me. It’s a fight 24/7. But I have 3 autistic sons to raise with him. I don’t know how to make it through this.
I’m so tired today. I could sleep the entire day away. Which is bad for a person with bi polar disorder. I’m supposed to stick to the same schedule everyday, forever. Likes that’s possible. My sleeps already a mess. ( the other post mentions my recent nightmares.) I find my self thinking I wish I were able to never leave my bed again.
Im feeling so selfish and tired I want to give up. I keep thinking if I could just be depressed enough to not care about my children, I could end this. I can’t tell anyone really. I’ll loose everything again. If I do then what would be the point of struggling on again.
I keep trying to ignore these feelings. It doesn’t really work. I’m journaling in my art journal. It’s slow, the paint needs to dry. I feel emptiness creeping in just enough to hate being a live.
Thanks to my Rx’s I won’t probably sink low enough to do anything to myself. (To bad i meant that sarcastically.)
Today I watched Of Two Minds, a documentary about bi-polar disorder. I cried a lot. It’s funny how I caught that movie today. I’ve been sleeping poorly for two weeks with disturbing dreams waking me at night. The dreams are so upsetting I can’t get back to sleep. When I do get back to sleep the nightmares continue,
The nightmares are beginning to effect me during the day. I feel grumpy, angry, depressed, frustrated, and agitated. Yesterday I was annoyed all day. It was really hard to not be upset by everything. Today was worse. I woke up ready to scream, punch and strangle someone. I had to go to work and act like I was fine. I be been consistent with my Rx’s. I hardly made it to my morning break. I called my therapist who to me ” call me anytime, and I’m sure you can handle this.” Okay?
I’m afraid. I’m afraid because I’ve been here before. The last time I got this way the roller coaster keep going down. I was eventually crying for hours every night before being hospitalized. I had my Rx changed, almost lost my job and I lost my kids for weeks. I have just gotten to spend everyday with them. I’m afraid I’ll loose them again. This time forever because I can’t handle the stress. Why wouldn’t I be worried.
I wish I could fix this. I hope I can change. I know I can’t do this forever.
I started an art journal last night. I decided to begin with who I am in visual terms. Is very basic right now just a colored pencil background.
My day at work was rewarded with a couple of great things. First, I helped a very nice customer who was so encouraging to me. She suggest I join the Collage Artists of America. I’m not sure I will, but I will look at the different groups out there. Maybe I should, it needs to be the right one.
Second, I sent an email on Monday asking some co-workers to think about starting an art group. I introduced it as a way to talk about art or work on pieces. I left it open to suggestions on what it would be and how we would run it. I asked them to feel free to invite other who might want to come. I sent the email and waited. I’m not super patient, so by Wednesday I was sure the project had failed. Today I received an email and a verbal confirmation that it was a success. They want to work on some art, do some critiques and had others that might want to join. I was pleased I put myself out there.
How is your new years resolutions or dreams of moving forward going?