Back in the swing

I have been through another dark time. It’s been very difficult to keep going. I kept reminding myself I needed to be here for my children. I am happy to say I am feeling better again. I am working on setting small goals. Keeping from letting the things out of my control come to my mind.

I have been reading a great book called The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. It has been inspirational. I’m going to trying three things coming up… No complaining, no gossip, and staying positive.
I am also not worrying about a super structured schedule. I do better with goals/lists rather then time pressure. When I don’t stay on schedule I get over whelmed and end up more depressed and more behind.
What do you do to keep from feeling overwhelmed?
Are you focusing on a goal?

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What a week

Monday – migraine still had to go to work
Tuesday – car broke down still made it to work
Wednesday – 4 yr old sick had to go to work
Thursday – -25 wind-chills, no school going to work

I get stressed and it seems the universe knows and piles more on. I just want a little break and instead I get a little more shit. Plus my estranged husband is on over drive to get us back together. He never did listen to me about my bi-polar moods. He thinks it’s a compliment that everytime I deal with him it makes my moods go haywire. He also said its not his fault I care what he thinks….. Ok. It’s that he never listens to me. It’s a fight 24/7. But I have 3 autistic sons to raise with him. I don’t know how to make it through this.

Slipping

I’m so tired today. I could sleep the entire day away. Which is bad for a person with bi polar disorder. I’m supposed to stick to the same schedule everyday, forever. Likes that’s possible. My sleeps already a mess. ( the other post mentions my recent nightmares.) I find my self thinking I wish I were able to never leave my bed again.

Im feeling so selfish and tired I want to give up. I keep thinking if I could just be depressed enough to not care about my children, I could end this. I can’t tell anyone really. I’ll loose everything again. If I do then what would be the point of struggling on again.

I keep trying to ignore these feelings. It doesn’t really work. I’m journaling in my art journal. It’s slow, the paint needs to dry. I feel emptiness creeping in just enough to hate being a live.

Thanks to my Rx’s I won’t probably sink low enough to do anything to myself. (To bad i meant that sarcastically.)

Bi-polar

Today I watched Of Two Minds, a documentary about bi-polar disorder. I cried a lot. It’s funny how I caught that movie today. I’ve been sleeping poorly for two weeks with disturbing dreams waking me at night. The dreams are so upsetting I can’t get back to sleep. When I do get back to sleep the nightmares continue,

The nightmares are beginning to effect me during the day. I feel grumpy, angry, depressed, frustrated, and agitated. Yesterday I was annoyed all day. It was really hard to not be upset by everything. Today was worse. I woke up ready to scream, punch and strangle someone. I had to go to work and act like I was fine. I be been consistent with my Rx’s. I hardly made it to my morning break. I called my therapist who to me ” call me anytime, and I’m sure you can handle this.” Okay?

I’m afraid. I’m afraid because I’ve been here before. The last time I got this way the roller coaster keep going down. I was eventually crying for hours every night before being hospitalized. I had my Rx changed, almost lost my job and I lost my kids for weeks. I have just gotten to spend everyday with them. I’m afraid I’ll loose them again. This time forever because I can’t handle the stress. Why wouldn’t I be worried.

I wish I could fix this. I hope I can change. I know I can’t do this forever.

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Art journaling

I started an art journal last night. I decided to begin with who I am in visual terms. Is very basic right now just a colored pencil background.

My day at work was rewarded with a couple of great things. First, I helped a very nice customer who was so encouraging to me. She suggest I join the Collage Artists of America. I’m not sure I will, but I will look at the different groups out there. Maybe I should, it needs to be the right one.

Second, I sent an email on Monday asking some co-workers to think about starting an art group. I introduced it as a way to talk about art or work on pieces. I left it open to suggestions on what it would be and how we would run it. I asked them to feel free to invite other who might want to come. I sent the email and waited. I’m not super patient, so by Wednesday I was sure the project had failed. Today I received an email and a verbal confirmation that it was a success. They want to work on some art, do some critiques and had others that might want to join. I was pleased I put myself out there.

How is your new years resolutions or dreams of moving forward going?

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Everyday!

I was going to post every day but Sunday as part of my new years resolution. But alas I have already failed. Sunday I took my daughter back to College. Sunday night she texted she forgot her blankets. It’s okay, but my 6 year old is also throwing a fit over going to school tomorrow. My 8 year olds ready for bed and the 4 year old is eating something every 5-10 minutes. Ugh.

Monday night after work. I had to go grocery shopping. I got a call while shopping that I could get the boys. Then I ran to pick them up. I had an hour and a half to feed them and do homework. We got it all done, but bedtime was a flaming fit from the 6 yr old son again. He believes he should be entitled to unlimited play time. The 4 yr old is never tired and the 8 yr old was out at 8:45.

Tuesday went to work. Husband was supposed to have the boys that night, but was going to have to go to work. So, I got the boys again. Only an hour before bedtime. But yay! This new law about calling your children’s parent before calling a sitter is giving me more time with my children.

Wednesday my daughter calls she needs a Rx she’s out of. Oh and I need to meet my mother after work. And I am picking up the boys. My mom gives me bad directions 3 times in a row. I’m late picking up the boys. The boys don’t want to make the hour drive to give their sister her Rx. And I’m tired.

I love my children. I live and would die for them. But why is it so hard to fit in things for myself. I’m trying to find time and energy to fit some art work and blogging (besides the cleaning, cooking, and life).

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It’s a new life

Back in the swing of life. I’ve been away so long. A lot in my life has changed. I am separated from a bad relationship. I’m living in a new city to be closer to some family and friends. I have a new job at an Art Supply chain!

My three sons have been diagnosed at their schools as Autistic. My Daughter started College. And I’m diagnosed as bi-polar. Yeesh! So, I’m juggling being separated from my husband who does not want to listen to anything having to do with my happiness.

I have painted 2 acrylic paintings. I have started seven others. I have a dog and three dwarf hamsters. Life is full of everything and sometimes I love it and sometimes I hate it. ( I am bi-polar)

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